Loss

For me, pregnancy can be summed up in one word: terrifying. From the moment I get a positive I am scared. At first the scared went right along with the excitement but now its just plain fear. I'll never forget the terror I had the day Charlotte was born. But oh was she worth it, and if do it all again if it meant I could have another baby to snuggle in my arms.

I have never really shared a ton of pictures from when Charlie was in the hospital because that was a time that was so sacred for me and I hold it so close to my heart. Seeing her hooked up to all these wires with a machine breathing for her was the hardest thing ever. This picture was taken shortly after she was born before I even met her. I already loved her so much! I can't tell you how grateful I am for her.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month and although not a day goes by that I don't think about my losses, it weighs especially heavy on my heart this month. It has not been an easy month as I've lost another pregnancy (which I feel like needs a post of its own to explain the torture of that one..) This year has been such a roller coaster of emotions. I feel so weak. So hopeless and so done. There are times when I want to give up. I think about Charlie being an only child and how different my life would become from the one I once imagined it would be. I see her rocking her baby swaying her hips and patting it's back and I melt and I come to realize that I would rather be dirt poor and make family memories at the park down the street from our house and buy her a used bike off craigslist and have a small house filled with laughter (and screaming.. Because let's keep it real) of my bunch of kids! She needs to be a big sister. There is nothing I want more than that.
I don't think it will come as a shock that I am struggling. Struggling to keep a smile on my face and to move on. I've learned time does not heal the wounds. Just makes them easier to bear. Perhaps that means I'm getting stronger despite me not feeling so in the least.
I also don't think it will come as a shock that I think it's important to speak out about this and to know you're not alone. Since we've started this journey to grow our family I have learned of so many wonderful women who (I never would've even guessed) have had the same struggles, and it has sometimes been the best support.
Grief has taught me so much about myself. It has taught me to be more compassionate to others and to be grateful for what I do have because I know how quickly things can go wrong and how difficult it can be to try everything you can think of to get what you want knowing that in the end it might all be for nothing. Grief has changed me into a different person. I just hope through my experience I can help others. Talk about if you need to. I think if I was dealing with this in my own world I would still be in that dark place I started out in. I'm writing this because I feel like it needs to be said that it's okay to be upset. But it's also okay to be okay. Sometimes I find myself feeling guilty for being happy and for not mourning my losses and I have to tell myself that moving on and forgetting are totally different things. The struggle is real and we can't ignore our feelings and hope it goes away. My heart will probably never find the pieces it's missing but I know talking about it makes it a little easier to bear.