'tis the season.

Preparing for Christmas is usually something I look forward to with so much excitement. This year is a little different. I am supposed to be having a baby probably what would have been any day now and my heart breaks that I am not. These past 6 months have been the hardest ever and there have been many days where I feel like I will never feel joy again. I have good days but I also have bad days that feel like they will never end. It's kind of hard to explain because I am happy, but there are times when joy is absent. 
There is nothing I want more than to make this Christmas extra special for Charlie. I feel like this is the first one where she will actually understand and remember it and I don't want her  only memory to be of her mom bawling every time silent night comes on. I don't know why it has to be so hard and I wish a thousand times over that it wasn't. I don't think losing a baby is ever easy no matter what the circumstances are. I want to be happy and I want to move on but sometimes I feel guilty for not mourning the loss. And then I feel guilty for wasting time sulking around when I could be busy being a better mom to Charlie. It's basically an endless cycle. That might sound silly but that is the thought process of a crazy hormonal lady. And let me tell you, my hormones are out of control. Jared thinks I'm exaggerating but if you've ever had a baby, you know what I mean. I am sad and frustrated that I have been pregnant 4 times in the last 14 months and have nothing to show for it except an extra 10 pounds that I can't say was worth it.
2014 has been a hard year. I can't say it's been a bad year because there have been many good times. And Charlie. Man, that girl makes me believe ice cream with sprinkles and sparkly high heels can fix anything. I love her so much. Anyway, I'm not exactly sad to see the year end. I wish I could say I have high hopes for 2015 being a better year but by now I feel like my soul has been crushed by the realization that life is not like it is in the movies and sometimes miracles don't happen twice and maybe I should just stop complaining and be happy with what I have... I'll get off my soapbox now and go eat a couple cookies and put that smile back on my face and try to focus on the good and the wonderful spirit Christmas brings.