Miracle Baby

Today's the day I was supposed to have a baby. And as I sit here and think about how different my life almost was on this day I feel more sad and empty than ever. Lately it seems like everywhere I look I'm reminded of the baby that's not here to snuggle with me today.

A little over two years ago I wrote a post called "Miracle Baby". At the time, Charlotte was more of a miracle than I could ever imagine. But after three miscarriages (the last one being the most tragic happening at almost 13 weeks) in the last 12 months-struggling to keep a pregnancy, hoping, planing and praying for a baby that may or may not make it into this world, I realized just how much of a miracle my little Charlie is. Not just because she was born at 30 weeks, but because she survived inside me for that long. She beat the odds. She's one in a million billion! The sad reality is, after a lifetime of dreaming of a large family, I'll now have to try and accept that my chances of having children on my own will be nearly impossible. Since we've learned about this, thinking about the future has been daunting and life has become overwhelming. At times I've felt as though my world is falling apart. Admitting this is like swallowing a golf ball. And the sad truth is, there is just not enough ice cream, or Oreos, or flowers in the world to make me feel better.

I truly hope you won't mistake my heartache for me being ungrateful for the miracle that I have been given. I am so thankful everyday of my life for  Charlie- now more than ever! But I also feel that longing to grow my family is a righteous desire and it's confusing and it hurts to not be able to fulfill it.

I've got a not so rare (but rare enough that most people have never heard of it) blood clotting disorder called Hughes Syndrome (also known as sticky blood). I was excited when I got this diagnosis because it meant there was a treatment, it meant there was hope, and I thought for sure it would lead to having a healthy baby. Not long after receiving this news I got pregnant and began twice daily heparin injections. The blood thinners have two main jobs, increase blood flow to my placenta and prevent any clots that could form in between my placenta and uterus. This treatment increases chances of a healthy pregnancy to 80%. I never thought I would be part of the other 20%.  Like I mentioned earlier, my most recent was the worst, I was almost out of my first trimester and into the most exciting part of pregnancy when most people announce to the world they are expecting. I suppose this is what most people refer to as the "safe zone". Although I was very much aware that regardless of whether or not I made it past 14 weeks, there's absolutely nothing about my pregnancy that would be considered in that zone of safety.. To say this loss has been completely devastating would be an understatement. Not 36 hours before I saw this perfect little peanut moving around inside my tummy. Heart fluttering, arms waving about, legs dancing. I will always be sad for that baby that I will never get to hold. How could this suddenly change? It's so hard not to feel completely guilty. I feel guilty that I've let Jared down and even worse that I can't give Charlie a baby brother or sister when she loves babies so much. I feel like I've robbed her of her big sister title one too many times. It's so frustrating and even, at times, embarrassing that my body can't do something it was supposed to be made to do! And the fact that there is literally nothing I can do about it makes it all the more tragic. There is nothing anyone can say to make me feel better (unless you're going to offer to be my surrogate). Especially when doctors cannot give me answers to why this happened and when they tell me it will likely happen again.
I miss the days where a scraped knee was my biggest problem and a kiss from mom took away all the pain.

I was pregnant with Charlie pre-diagnosis so I wasn't on any medication to thin my blood. Not only was she born at 30 wks but she had stopped growing two weeks before and the umbilical cord that was supposed to be providing her with life was slowly detaching. Literally one more hour inside me and I might not have her to snuggle today. I don't even want to think about what that world would be like.. I've said it once before and I'll say it again (and again, and again), Charlie is a miracle. Not in the way that all babies are miracles, but a whole new meaning of miracle (like a- defy the odds, one of a kind, how is it possible that she's alive and healthy- miracle).

So, as much as I want to crawl into a hole and wallow in my tears, I'll pick myself up. Because I have to. For that sweet little girl of mine that says "peeeese" in the softest little voice with her head tilted to the side and a grin that spreads across her perfect face. For that girl who, when I was crying and so sad just sat with me and wiped my tears and gave me kisses and hugged me real tight. For her, I'll go on. I'll put on a brave face and fake the happiness a little harder. And for my husband, who has put up with a pregnant wife (in the first trimester no less) for far longer than any man should. For doing more loads of laundry and dishes than I can even count. For making me breakfast in bed and dinner that had been followed by a long day at work. Those two are my saving grace. My miracles in this world that has lately, had way too much heartache.

 

 

 

Two Much Fun!

Well, this post has come a whole month late but here it is!

 

 

Cannot believe my baby is TWO! It's so crazy that I have a two year old now. She's been talking up a storm and becoming more independent by the minute. I absolutely adore her personality and the tiny human she is.

 

 

Her favorite movies right now include Monsters Inc. and Rio. She loves books and will sit next to me and read aloud all day long. Outside is ALWAYS her favorite place to be (but not without her sunnies) and she pulls at my hand begging me for a "wa! wa!" (walk) at least sixteen times a day. She loves swimming, cooking, shopping, riding bikes, washing her hands, going potty (but not really) and of course anything that makes her feel like one of the big kids.

 

 

This girl has like twelve pairs of shoes (don't tell Jared) but I don't even feel bad about it because she loves shoes sooooo much. Like her getting a new pair of shoes is more exciting that getting a new toy. I know, crazy right? She is such a girly girl. Of course that means getting a fresh coat of nail polish is a weekly occurrence. She likes to try on different clothes and "gets ready" alongside me every morning. She is so artsy and loves crafting with me.

She could literally spend all day everyday at the beach. She is one with the sand and I love it! WE need to move to the ocean stat!

 

 

 Blowing bubbles has become a favorite past time.

 

Still not a fan of sleeping. I almost feel like it's getting worse and as much as I want to blame it on teething... it's not. Did I mention she's a bed hog? Totally out.of.control.

 

Charlie absolutely loves babies and it's probably the cutest thing ever.

 

What a year it has been! She is my best friend and I couldn't imagine my life without her in it. She takes care of me more than any two year old should. The empathy she has is unbelievable and her snuggles are even more amazing and they always seem to come at the right time. Whenever I think life with her can't get any better, it does!

Aloha

A week of nothing but sunshine and sand!

I am still picking it out of Charlie's hair but it was worth it.

We had tea parties every hour on the plane ride and had several passengers comment on how well behaved she was. I'm glad they thought so because I thought she was a nut.

Charlie was obsessed with my Grandma's front yard and made a run for it every chance she got.

She wasn't a huge fan of the water which was pretty shocking to me but I think the waves were a little bit intimidating. She ran down the shoreline with her arms in the air and the sweetest scream ever. It was hilarious. Until she got taken out by a wave.

When we weren't chasing being chased by waves, we spent most of our days lounging and building sandcastles.

Naps whenever is basically and Island rule. She took this very seriously.

(Like I've said before, she will bust a move anytime, anyplace.)

Have I mentioned how independent this girl is? I love it, but also it scares me sometimes.

We were lucky enough the spend a few days at the Hyatt pool. You guys, THIS ^^ is their pool. By far Charlie's favorite handout spot. 

We had a blast on the most beautiful place on earth and loved spending time with family we don't see nearly enough of.

Believe it or not that first picture actually drew a small crowd. Looks like I might have to sell them to the circus.

21

Wow. What a month it has been! My heart melts for this girl every.single.day. She's always the friendliest kid at the park saying hi to every kid accompanied by a cute little wave and often followed by at attempt to hug some snotty kid. I always cringe a little but luckily she's yet to be successful.

I never imagined I could be so proud of anything or anyone in my whole life! But hearing her sweet voice make words and watching her grow and understand something as simple as "go get your baby"... Let me tell you... My heart, it swells to the size if a watermelon!

Weight:~21lbs

Likes: She loves looking out the window. She loves "cooking" and tea parties and will stop whatever she's doing to bust a move when the music comes on. As any girl, she enjoys getting her hair brushed and will sit on my lap forever as long and I'm running a brush through it. She requests almost daily to get her nails painted. Probably created a monster already because my girl loves shopping. But I don't even care because it's so dang cute when she takes a hanger from a rack and holds the dress or shirt or whatever up to her and whispers "soooo" (so cute).


Dislikes: Still not a fan of being told "no". Don't see her growing out of that anytime soon. She does not appreciate being fed like a baby and will refuse even her most favorite meal if I'm trying to feed her. Which means I sweep eighty times a day and change her outfit just as often.

Favorite activities: Playing in the dirt, taking her baby for a walks with her stroller, sidewalk chalk, the park

Favorite food: Sweets, sweets, sweets. If she could eat a donut and cookies for every meal she would. I don't know how she doesn't weigh more. In an attempt to get her to eat more greens I started making smoothies and she LOVES them. Making a big deal about how "yummy" healthy food tastes goes a long way with this girl. I've found I can trick her into eating almost anything.

Favorite words: "All geen" (all gone) and "all dee" (all done). And my favorite was when out of nowhere she tooted and goes "too tee" and smiled up at me. Haha! I think she learns new words daily, her newest being sorry (ssigh)

Milestones: She is independent in everything except sleeping. That's the only time she refuses to be left alone. She still spends most of the night in our bed. Charlie now folds her arms for prayer. I'll admit, sometimes I can't bring myself to close my eyes because watching her is just too cute. It seems like at this age she's almost learning something new everyday. I am a proud mama! But also I want time to slow down. Like, can't I just hit a button to make everything go in slow motion? I want to remember every moment. Being a mom to this girl is the dream job!!

She has sooo much empathy it amazes me. I had a particularly sad day this month and Charlie must've sensed it because she literally didn't touch her toys, just simply snuggled with me all day. At one point I cried a bit and she crawled on top of me and hugged me tight for a second and then gave me a reassuring smile and squeezed me again. When she looked up the second time to check on me I noticed she too was beginning to cry. It was the saddest sweetest thing ever! We just hugged it out. It was probably the best moment if my life.

I don't care what anyone thinks, she is my best friend.

Not only is she empathetic but she's also hilarious. Whenever I'm cooking and using the oven I always put the mit on and tell her to go back. And she always listens. Randomly she will put her own sock on her hand and run over the oven and yell at me "Go! Go!" With the most serious look on her face. She is a crack up!
I could go on and on with stories of our days but I'll stop there for now. I love watching her grow and learn everyday. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I LOVE being her mom!

Twenty Months.

At 20 months Charlie (Charli?, Charlee?,Charley?- I've been thinking about changing the spelling of her nick name to more be more girly. Because if you've met my daughter you know she's the girliest one year old you'll ever meet!)

 
Weight: ~21 lbs

 

Clothes: she was beginning to venture into 12-18 months but she got really sick this last month and lost a little more than a pound. So it's 9-12 for now with a couple 12-18 month clothes thrown in there.

LOVES: snuggling, getting her nails painted, carrying her purse around, "helping" me cook, working with dad in the garage, hugs, playing outside, shoes, COOKIES-or anything sweet, bath time-even though she's started pooping in the tub! Also thinks 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' is a hilarious game (Jared and I play it to change diapers sometimes).

DISLIKES: falling asleep, being told "No", sitting in one spot for more than 30 seconds, doctors offices (can't blame her for that one..)
 Favorite foods: This girl has the biggest sweet tooth ever. She also loves, and I mean LOVES my chicken tacos. Which is super weird because she refuses all other meat.

Favorite words: "uh-oh". She says it all the time. Even when it doesn't really apply which makes it pretty funny. Like when she intentionally dumps her bowl of pears on the floor from her high chair- I think she does it just so she can say "uh-oh!" Another favorite is "Ey! Ey! Eeyyy!" But not as in "hi", she says it when you take something away from her, like "hey you! Give that back!" She can also pretty clearly say "buh-buy" and "hiiii" with the cutest wave you ever did see and has learned "mo-er". Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing yet.. And "whooaa" or "wooowww" like whatever you have is the most spectacular thing she's ever laid her eyes upon. So.Cute.

Signature moves: face planting herself on the floor when you take something she's not supposed to have away from her. Running out from behind doors, walls, or pretty much anything with a high pitched scream, laughing hysterically-she got you! Hah, it's pretty darn cute. And my favorite.. Looking back at you with the most mischievous smile as she does something she knows she shouldn't.
Other milestones: Her new thing is bringing me a diaper from her closet when she poops and sniffing. That and the fact the she poops in the tub makes me think potty training could be around the corner?

 

Can I also just say how much I love this girl? She makes me the happiest person in the world and I thank Heavenly Father every single day that he trusted ME to be her mom.