The M word

Five is the number of Valentine Days Jared and I have spent together. Five is the number of months we spent engaged. And five is the number of miscarriages I've had. In a row. Five devastating miscarriages. After I lost our baby at 13 weeks I didn't think it could get much worse. Until I lost another baby at 11 weeks just days ago. I wasn't as far along but it seems my already broken heart just isn't able to take the pain that accompanies losing a baby.
Is it even possible to be numb to something and heartbroken about it at the same time? Perhaps numb is the wrong word to use.. Maybe I should say shock. I think I'm in a state of shock and I am sure it will wear off quickly and then all the feelings that come with a miscarriage will wrap it's arms around me and drown me. I am so tired of being sad. Its a terrible thing to be afraid to go to sleep at night because I don't want to wake up the next morning and face the fact that I am no longer pregnant. Reality is such a cruel place sometimes.
I feel so damaged. It's like my whole life changed but at the same time everything stayed the same. The hardest part is recovering from basically giving birth and being pregnant with no baby in my arms and all the while no body knowing what just happened. Instead of announcing a new edition to our family I'm picking up the pieces of a shattered dream. How do I even pick myself up and move on? What do I do now? This has defined me for so long and now it doesn't and I feel so lost and so alone in my heartache.
After five losses Jared and I have decided to call it quits. Maybe for a while, maybe forever. But all I know is that right now, we can't take anymore. With my pregnancies reaching the point they do it seems impossible to consider anything else. I just can't lose another baby.
As sad as it makes me to close this chapter of my life (because every inch of my being wants another baby so very badly) I am trying to focus on being excited to live life fully again. I have spent so much of the last year and a half pregnant (or miscarrying). What a trooper Jared has been.
This whole experience has made me grow so much as a person and as a mom. I feel like I have much more compassion than ever before and heart full of gratitude for being given my Charlie girl. Because the more I think about it the more I know what a miracle she truly is.
I don't know what life will be like tomorrow or even next week, and that scares the crap out of me. But I know I've got the best husband in the world that I don't even deserve and the sweetest little girl that makes me laugh and love more than I ever thought I could and I know that because of them I have to just keep living. Not because I'm strong. Because trust me, I am most certainly not. But because I have to. As much as I wish I could hit a pause button and wallow for few days weeks life does not stop and just has to go on.